I wish I could say that I was one of those moms who is totally okay with Courtney's hearing loss and has accepted it and moved on, but I am not. I know she will be okay, we will do everything in our power to make sure of it. She has her CIs, she is making progress, but my heart still aches when I see her big, round, beautiful, hazel eyes absorbing the world around her. At least once a day I say to myself, "I can't believe you are deaf Little Girl."
It almost seems that the calm after the storm has hit and I am finally feeling again. We went 90 miles per hour from diagnosis to bilateral CIs all in a matter of 3months. I am getting used to all of the stares and questions (which I appreciate so much more than the whispers), but it isn't easy. I don't know if it is because she is so small and has so much equipment on her head or if it is because the equipment we have lights up?
I think it is the small things that make me sad. When she snuggles up and leans her head to "give love" the coils fall off and she can't hear us. When she doesn't feel good and wakes up from a nap upset, she can't hear me soothe her. She can't hear us come in anytime when she wakes up for that matter. If I want to rock her, the coils fall off. She can't hear the kid songs in the car because the coils fall off. Fall off, fall off, fall off!
I know that someday this daily lump in my throat will one day disappear, but for today I am still sad.